Why is Ellen DeGeneres a Douche?

Naah, she's not that bad. But she just loves to prank people; it resonates in her soul. I lived a very short amount of time where I was a prank machine, and jeez, it's exhausting. Plus, I have that frustrating quality of needing instant gratification. Just sitting there with my thumb in my ass, waiting for a perfect opportunity to "prank" somebody properly, when in reality I could just run up to them and punch them right in the crotch and feel the same satisfaction, just seems a little unnecessary.

Yet, maybe that's what makes Ellen DeGeneres a pretty respectable human. She's got the patience of a jungle cat, and just seeks out the perfect moment to pounce on her unsuspecting prey... that monster.

In this case, I must say, Kristen Bell might have been asking for it. First of all, who is that obsessed with sloths? Not that they aren't adorable or anything, I mean...

Fuck, that is adorable. But to be so obsessed with a sloth that you cry with the mere thought that you might see one? Yes, it seems a little ridiculous. But I have to say, Bell is a great sport for voluntary bringing in this video in, and allowing me to laugh at her expense. Watch for yourself, and watch for that one, big, fat, douche-y Ellen moment.

Is it bad whenever I see Kristen Bell anywhere, I get at least twenty immediately flashes to my favorite scenes in Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Gosh I love that movie.

Damn you, Ellen. But way to keep celebrities on their toes.

The Best Thing I've Ever Heard

Okay, so maybe alcoholism isn't anything to laugh at (or is it?), but I can't help to chuckle at an article I read recently featuring the title, "Pat Sajak: I Hosted 'Wheel of Fortune' Drunk"

My only reaction: Well duh, how else would you host 'Wheel of Fortune?"

The best part? He would get drunk with Vanna White in between tapings, averaging four margaritas a piece within a few short hours. Good drink choice, Pat. 'Ritas are the shit.

All I could imagine was my grandfather, who would diligently sit in front of the television every night at 7:30, hearing the news that his two heroes were probably blasted out of their minds while attempting to read the alphabet throughout all those years.

And to think, out of all the games shows to host wasted... it's the one where you need to master the art of saying the alphabet.

Well, I guess since the days are behind him, lets raise a glass to just plain, solid, good drunken television and to the biggest badass of game show hosts, Pat Sajak! ... not so fast, Pat Sajak.

Violet Turner: Shonda Rhimes' Punching Bag

So why does Shonda Rhimes hate Violet Turner on Private Practice so much? After last Thursday, I've come to realize that Violet has gone through more unfortunate situations than anyone else on that show, which is saying something, since everyone has had their face dragged through the mud several times.

Do you ever wonder why you watch a certain show? Why is Law and Order SVU so popular? Or Grey's Anatomy? We watch as people are raped, murdered, lied to, and cheated on. Yet, instead of turning our backs on shows that some may deem "too depressing," millions of people continue to tune in the next week, and the week after, to watch these characters seemingly go through vicious cycles filled with despair and disappointment.

Off the top of my head, I can think of several different awful situations Violet has been in, only spanning the last couple seasons: had her unborn baby cut out of her by a lunatic, got her license suspended, was divorced by her husband, and now, from last weeks episode, got punched in the face by an intruder and watched someone get murdered in her home.

This is from spanning just a couple of seasons, people. I haven't even been a strict follower of the show over the past few years.

So why must Violet Turner be the one to suffer all these unfortunate situations? Is it Shonda Rhimes believing her character is strong enough to handle each situation? But who can stand to watch one person get beaten down time and time again?

But then it goes back to the original question: why do people tune in to watch these depressing situations in the first place? Why do I even tune in?

Perhaps, even though it all seems to rest of the shoulders of Violet, I know deep down she can pick herself back up and keep truckin'. Sometimes I think I watch these horrible stories so as to see what I could do in that particular situation. Maybe it's therapeutic after a hard day to watch someone go through their own tough day, and have someone to relate to.

But damn, it's hard for this small town white girl going to Emerson to relate to someone like Violet Turner. Girl got her unborn baby cut out of her. Yikes.

With a showrunner like Shonda Rhimes though, you always assume there's going to be a plan for her. Ultimately, I think I watch the show each week with the hope that I'll gain this incredible feeling of watching someone I practically know wind up happy, since in the end, television always comes down to finding a happy ending.

In a recession like this, it'll all you can hope for, really.

Once again Modern Family highlights an inevitable stage in a young parent's life, a characteristic that makes it stand apart from any other show on television today: dealing with a child's first curse word.

And what a word it was: Fuck. Great choice, Lily. I have been prone to say that word myself on many occasions, and as this episode showcased, Lily took full advantage of the emotional benefits that come with saying fuck, as it was bleeped out four times during the episode.

What came to follow, however, was extremely surprising to me. After I sat down to watch another guaranteed hilarious episode of Modern Family, "Little Bo Bleep," I was looking online to find out this week's show has garnered a lot of negative attention, as the Parent Television Council (talk about a buzz kill) was not fond of the word used on network television.

At first, I thought it may have been surrounding this idea that maybe the tiny child actor had to actually say the word, but in reality, she was saying, "fudge." So what's the big deal?

Well, according to Melissa Henson, this poses a huge deal. Stating,

“The more we see and hear this kind of language on television, the more acceptable and common it will become in the real world. Since television is constantly adding to the likelihood that children will be exposed to this kind of language, we will naturally see more and more children eventually emulate that behavior.”

My take? Naaaaah.

C'mon, people! This isn't violence or nudity they're showcasing, it's one simple curse word! Plus, it was not even slipped into the episode as a part of glorifying a certain behavior. Lily is eventually scolded during the episode and practically punished by wearing the ugliest dress ever featured on network television.

And goodness, could they have bleeped it out even more? A bleeped tone and pixels over her mouth? Relax, its the word "fuck," not an episode of Jerry Springer.

I honestly believe the PTC must have not watched that episode to truly think it would affect any child out there. All this episode showcased was once again brilliant writing to portray the trials and tribulations of everyday life for any family out in America.

I almost wish my family was as dysfunctional as the Dunphys (My family's only white... not white and awkward).

So watch the episode and decide for yourself!

Glee, that sh*t that just don't quit

Goodness, Glee drives me crazy. I generally do not like associating myself with the show, until they have an episode like they did last night.

Damn, they produce some catchy numbers.

Maybe it's because of my somewhat musical background (all three of those musicals I was in during high school), but I can really get around a great musical performance. My favorite part of Glee is even without stable plot points and character development it has the power to breathe life into old songs and give them a different perspective geared towards a younger audience.

And even though I may gab alongside those who do not appreciate Glee from a television standpoint, I refuse to look at the music like another version of Kidz Bop. I truly believe whoever produces its (Ryan Murphy? Isn't he some sort of Renaissance Man or something?) and those who sing are pretty genuinely talented. Gosh, if only I was as cool as Lea Michele.

So please, take a little guilty pleasure in a couple of great numbers from last night's episode. Unfortunately, just because I liked these songs does NOT mean I'll be tuning in next week. But dammit, I will soak in the gloriousness of Rihanna and Usher for now.

Here Comes the Geekin'

Goodness, over the past few days I have been reading of the most exciting news about my favorite television shows. It's a little pathetic how excited I am, but then again, I'm a television major at a communications school... what's your excuse?

First: I've been reading a little about the Grey's Anatomy "What If... ?" episode, and honestly, it looks like it's going to be absolutely hilarious. Allegedly, in this alternate reality, Meredith's mom does not have alzheimer's, which seems to be the catalyst towards what ends up being an extremely fucked up world... at least for the world we've come to know and love on Grey's.

From this, Meredith is that happy and shiny person she's always seems to talk about, and winds up getting married to a dorky Carev. She's not best friends with Cristina... because Cristina's still a cold hearted machine, of course. Plus, Derek and Addison are still together (gotta love the Kate Walsh appearances... jeez pick a show, woman!) and, while looking at the stills from the episode... is that... PERCY?!!? AAAHHHH. BACK FROM THE DEAD.

Ultimately, I'm really wondering how this episode is going to turn out. If we can all remember the last time Grey's tried something pretty drastic... I had to hear Snow Patrol for the 5,000th time on television. Let's hope this turns out mildly entertaining, I'll be patiently waiting for Feb. 2nd.

Second: I'm pretty much freaking out over what I've been hearing are future Parks and Rec guest appearances and how they'll play into the show. Today I just read that Sean Hayes and Paul Rudd will be making their grand debut on the show playing some sort of part in the election process, which has so far been going swimmingly (not), so I'm sure these two fine gentlemen will only be positive reinforcement to the situation (cyberspace sarcasm).

Plus, according to the wikipedia page, I'm still waiting for what will be an incredible return from Louis CK as well as Paul Schneider coming back (GEEK) as Mark Brendanawicz! I swear if Ann goes ANYWHERE near him... ugh. So not deserving. This will be a fabulous spring season.

Finally: As a Valentines Day gift to me, since I knew we were always lovers, ABC will be giving me COUGARTOWN, BABY!

Sorry. Excitement. For some weird reason, the show Work It didn't seem to... umm, work out? Boom. And ABC officially announced today that Cougartown will replace the short lived sitcom starting February 14th at 8:30. I can not wait, mostly because I will be pouring myself the biggest glass of wine in order to celebrate with my fellow T.V. alcoholics int his amazing reunion. Now, if only I can get a hold of NBC for a St. Patrick's Day gift (coughCOMMUNITYcough).

Nothing gets me more excited than guest stars, triumphant returns and exciting twists. Man, it feels good to love television... even if my couch is starting to have that weird butt imprint. Awkward.